I haven’t quite mastered the art of blogging about my thoughts. I know this is sort of the purpose of blogging, to get my thoughts out there — but it seems the deepest things in my life, the things running through my mind constantly, are things I have a hard time blogging about. They’re not necessarily sad things.. they are just ‘deep’ things. I have TONS of thoughts, and I would like to write them down, but I just feel like I can’t. Actually, I think I could write about them, but ‘blogging’ seems drastically different from ‘writing,’ for some reason. Apparently, I have issues. If I’m going to be a blogging success, I need to overcome these issues.
Suffering from a case of blogging-block in these areas:
–Leaving ( .. this is a pretty big one. There are maybe twenty sub-points under this heading.)
Somewhere in my subconcious, I don’t really want to put these things out into the blog-world for fear of exposure (we talk about transparency so much that it’s hard to believe one can still possess a true fear of it.. but it really is quite terrifying). I also don’t want to be pitied, and that’s just good ole’ pride.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
Bryan and I were listening to Derek Webb’s “House Show” on our way out to Gothenburg (my hometown), and Webb mentioned that one of the best things that could happen to any of us is if our sins were aired on the news — I took a moment to ponder this, because my instant reaction was, of course, “Are you NUTS?!” But really, I concur with Derek: this would be the best thing for me. I have spent the past few days longing for it. Everything would be out there — all my dirt and pride and sin and bad motives — and I would have nothing but Jesus. No more attempts at hiding, it wouldn’t be an option. I would know true freedom and would begin to fathom just the eensiest bit more the depths of God’s grace.
I have no idea how this thought correlates exactly with the beginning of this post. (Everything post-baby will henceforth be blamed on pregnancy, especially when dealing within the realms of memory loss, word mix-ups or misuse, and .. seriously, no joke, I’ve forgotten the third one. Oh babies.) Nonetheless, this thought has stirred up in me a huge desire to know more of God’s grace — and in order to know more grace, one must know and understand more sin. I want to learn to live as if my sins were broadcast, because truly they are to the One to whom all life will answer.
I am just so fearful of appearances. What will ‘they’ think? Appearances, appearances..