for a few months now, i feel as if i’ve been constantly worrying about my life. its tiring. bryan says he doesn’t know how i do it, worrying like i do and still living. he says he’d go nuts, and maybe i am.
i worry about whether we should have dinner at 6:30 sharp, every night, or if we should just try to eat sometime before baths and brushing teeth. i worry about how i will handle a newborn and an two-and-a-half year old. i worry about making decisions about said toddler’s schooling options. (and if we decide to send him to preschool come april, i worry about potty-training him before then). i worry about the budget. i worry that my meals are not fancy enough. i worry that i eat too much bread. i worry that i don’t spend enough time in God’s Word. i worry that i waste my afternoon reading. i worry that i won’t have what it takes to finish language once the baby comes. i worry that i don’t call people at home often enough. i worry about how living overseas will affect my children. i worry about how our life will change once we start doing BEST club. i worry that my life doesn’t look like this person’s, or this person’s, or this person’s (and i wonder how we all lead such different lives, each with God’s purpose and design — isn’t there one good way? why does everyone else seem happy and centered, and i feel none of that?) and i worry that my worrisome behavior is frustrating for my husband. and then i worry that he doesn’t like me anymore .. because i worry.
i am fully aware that these worries are useless, and some of them silly. but they plague me just the same, and i can’t seem to get my heart to believe that worrying does no good. if a friend were to come to me and tell me all the things i just typed above, i would furrow my brow and look at her with pity and concern, wondering how she came to be so insecure and how God could possibly pull her out of it.
this is a nasty area of my life that i’ve always been aware of, but it seems to be mutating and growing exponentially with the added stressors of all the upcoming transitions. although the first year-and-a-half of our marriage was rather crazy (graduation, marriage, baby, moving overseas), the last year-and-a-half has been rather peaceful. getting used to a new culture and language is still a BIG deal, but it seemed like small beans compared to all the changes that occurred previously. but in the next six months, we will experience a few more, rather large transitions: the birth of our second son, the possible entrance of our firstborn into pre-school, the ending of a two-year period of language study and a simply scheduled life, and the transition into college ministry (and subsequent lifestyle changes) in Japan. we took Jones to the youchien (preschool) for an hour “play time” a few weeks ago, and i spent the rest of the day crying, not wanting him to grow up and go, and feeling so uncertain as to what would be best for him — he would only be three, doesn’t he still need so much of his mama? do i really even want him to go to school? but what about the language? etc, etc, etc. we haven’t even talked about our educational ideas for our kids, and now it seems like big decisions are piling on top of me.
in the face of these transitions, i feel insecure and afraid. its easier to just do daily life and to never have to take steps or make decisions that will impact those you love. i passed the hallway mirror today, heading upstairs with a basket of laundry to hang out on the veranda, and i looked at myself and wondered, “what happened? last year, at this time, you were so happy and relieved and set free — why all the burdens?” it was good for me to think through and remember that my heart is carrying the weight of what’s coming next, though i didn’t know it.
it will be better for me when i sit with my savior and plead with him.. tell him why i’m so scared, and let him take it away. i long for my heart to be carefree, able to enjoy the entrance of a new life into this world, not spoiling such an occasion of grandeur with my pitiful worries.
help me, Jesus.