my boys. i can’t believe i have boyS — plural. two kids. its started to make me feel old — somehow i could still be young and carefree having only one child, but now i just feel tired and forgetful and busy and 0h-so-very ADULT. i feel old, and i’m only 25. (!) i keep having flashback memories of looking at my baby pictures as a child and thinking my parents were big and old. (naturally.. to a five year old, they are old.) and its strange for me to think that now I AM the mom in those pictures. WEIRD. i can’t have two kids! i have two kids?? yes i do. and here they are, the cutest little boys.. 😉
my little bug. i LOVE the way he smells. i sometimes call him ‘ezra bean’ because it rhymes with ‘ezra dean’ — how clever am i? i’m trying to revel in the things that make him a baby: the night-waking, the nestling into my neck, the short 45-minute naps, the crying to be held. it will all be over too quickly, and he will be racing cars and jumping off of slides with his big brother.
my favorite almost-three-year-old EVER! he has been singing songs lately. i especially enjoy his version of ‘jesus loves me’ (somehow a question got stuck in there): ‘yes yes jesus love is me?? oh the BIIIIIII-ble…’ (and of course, he drums while he sings.)
i cried as i went to bed last night, talking with bryan about how jones used to be this tiny little baby, and then all of a sudden, he’s almost three. he’s running around and singing songs and going to sleep on his own and greeting me in the morning with a hearty, ‘good MORNING mom!’ he has his own preferences and ideas, he can get his own drinks, he plays pretend.. and it freaks me out. i know they are supposed to grow up, but the more he grows, the less control i have over his life, his body, his little heart, and it’s scary. handing him over to God, even in little steps, is so very very hard. someday he will leave, like he’s supposed to, and i’m praying that the crying and processing i’m doing now will make that day easier. i don’t want to live in fear over what i can’t control, but rather live with hope and excitement for all the different phases of life — even the one where he leaves my home for good to do something brave and wonderful on his own. i want to push him into what God has in store and root out anything in my heart that opposes that. i never knew being a mom would be so intimate, lovely, and painful all at once.
if you can’t tell by my words, i’m feeling rather serious and sober today. some would call it melancholy. but it really isn’t.. i told bryan that i’m just a realist, and that being a realist can push you in one of two directions: to pessimism or to a ‘carpe diem’ type life. i’m reaching for the latter — seize the day, because it will go fast.