sometimes i think all i need is a sunny day and a long walk, a day without anything pressing, a slow unfolding of things. to let my husband mix the biscuit dough and wait hours before i roll them out, cut them, and bake them.. because i don’t have to do it right now. to be outside and let the little legs direct the pace of things.. because if they aren’t happy, who else can be?
right now, my sweet baby girl is cooing next to my knees, rolling over and flapping her arms. the boys are playing sesame street games on the upstairs computer (i’m amazed i hear no fighting), precluded by an afternoon of markers, cars, and blocks (and let’s be honest here, TV — thank you Jesus for TV!). and i am feeling alright for this span of time, closer to normal than i’ve been in a while.
but more than sun and walks and smiles from babies, its hope — isn’t it? in the last few days, i’ve been in low and scary places, miraculously moved forward by hope. nothing is so frightening as serious feelings, no matter their irrationality, because of their depth and their all-consuming nature. someone needs to help lift you up out of their mess. someone needs to point you toward the truth — that God knows. He knows. and He will arrange it all, whatever it is.
today, i feel happy that if He arranges things, then i don’t need to. and i feel content with knowing that i deserve a break, and that it will come, and it will be restful. and i feel at peace with the revelation that taking care of myself goes a long way in taking care of those i love most.