today, as i drove to spend some time alone, i was remembering the days of just jones and i, or even the boys and i, and how much we left the house together. we rarely stayed home, we were always on a walk around the neighborhood, or at the nearby park — or on our way to a friends house, to run errands, to a shopping center, to bigger parks. it’s simultaneously sad and right that we don’t do as much of those things anymore. there is three of them, and just one of me.
i feel like number three just did me in, and its all i can do to keep the chaos from overflowing, right within the walls of our own home. why in the heck would i subject the world to that chaos? i’m not sure i would survive it.. or my kids. 🙂
when harper was born, ezra was 20 months and jones had just turned four. it was CRAZY. i remember one afternoon, when she was just a month old, and the boys were going nuts in the house, so i told them we could get snacks and go to “the ship park” — a very fun and cool park by the ocean, about 20 minutes from our house, that has a ship playground, a little waterfall, and tons of sand to build with. we drove through mcdonald’s, i got an iced latte and put my little babe in the sling, and we sweated it out in the july weather for a few hours.
recently, i’ve looked back on things like that and thought, “what was I thinking??!!” we may have survived it, and perhaps the boys had a little bit of fun, but i remember yelling at them several times while we were getting back in the car, and at least once pinching jones because he wasn’t listening while we were at the park. he rarely listened those days, and when i called for him to come, it was his m.o. to run the opposite way, laughing. of course, that made me livid. nothing angered me more in those days than when he ran away from me.
i suppose now, since we stay home more often than not, trying our best to find fun in our rock garden yard and the hidden corners of our house, it feels as if being at home would’ve saved my heart that day. perhaps i wouldn’t have gotten as angry. perhaps we would’ve had more fun than frustration. but when i really think about it, so much more has changed in my life than just the setting for our playing: its not because we play at home more now that i feel less frustration — its because life with them period is less frustrating.
jones is about to turn 6 and is becoming very responsible and fun to be around — he has always been a very spirited, intense kid, but he’s learning how to listen and we are learning how to help him think through his emotions. and the fits that i thought would never end?! well, what do you know — i think they may have ended.
ezra, a little past three, is in a crabby phase, but it’s NOTHING in comparison to what jones was like at this age, so we are laughing our way through it. he says the strangest and funniest things, and although its currently his tendency to run away when i call, he’s easier to catch and i can make a game of it with him, when jones would just scream and freak out.
harper, now 18 months, is going to be a tester. every time i look at her, all i can think about is how adorable she is — her pouty lips, her big brown eyes, her frown and her one-dimpled smile. oh, she is going to work these things when she’s older. she’s already doing it now! its possible that she may be the most strong-willed of the three, but i feel up to the challenge now, having seen with my own two eyes how much can change in the span of 5 years.
i feel like we are exiting the super awful, very physically draining, frustrating and tiring and trying phase of small children. our kids are still very young, but something about the oldest turning 6 has been pretty magical — i feel like the other two are trying to live up in his age bracket, and its kind of nice.
i suppose this post doesn’t say much, except MAN, that was HARD. i still don’t think i’ll be taking all three of them out on my own for fun anytime soon — perhaps out of necessity, but still…
moms, be gentle with yourselves. one day, it will be different.