As related in the previous post, I have a serious case of writer’s block. Or creative deficit. Or passion insufficiency. All of the three, really. I have been doing what I can to mend the issue, re: regular spurts of solitude, daily time with my Bible, sleep, water, veggies, sunshine, coffee. Nothing seems to be working. And it occurred to me the other day that my savvy and calculating Adversary might have reason to disparage my desire to write, making it all the more important for me to not give up. So I’m going to give writing-sans-inspiration a go. Or practice.
Goal: every day, for the rest of the month. But we’ll see how that pans out. As I’ve learned from watching my oldest son in soccer, those in the family that share my personality have an affinity for quitting when things get rough (or not even starting them to begin with, when it might be predicted that it would be too difficult). This is a sad lack of character that we are hoping to mend for all affected family members, myself included. Lord, grow me in perseverance.
Parenting and writing: perhaps these might be the very vehicles He will use in the grand endeavor to move me heavenward.
Parenting as an introvert has dropped a bundle of guilt in my lap, it seems. My scale tips from happy and healthy to mad at the world quite easily, and if I don’t get enough alone time to process my life, then all goes haywire.
Right now, I don’t have enough alone time. I can be shameless about what I need for a few months, knowing that really, taking care of myself helps me be a better, more relaxed and creative caretaker for my family. But there is an endpoint to the freedom, at least in my case, and I begin to wonder if me being away from my kids is harming them more than helping me; or life is so short, I can have all the alone time I want when they leave the house; or the money for babysitters or food while I’m out could be better spent; or setting them in front of the TV so I can get some quiet upstairs is (somehow, unexplainably, very, very) bad; or the other moms seem to get by without this time, why is that I need it? (Here would be a good place to mention that comparing myself to Japanese moms is NOT a good idea — they will always win in the sacrifice department.) On top of the guilt are the numerous affects of a run-down spirit: depressive thoughts, lack of motivation, escapism, overeating, anger, withdrawal from relationships.
When I do have enough alone time, the difference is palapable. I am happy. I am excited to see my kids, spend time with my husband. I am ready to tackle the tasks of my home and my life overseas. I feel inspired and can easily detect the truth around me.
This seems like a fairly simple equation. More alone time = healthy me. But the tricky component in all this is JESUS. He says that all I need is Him. How do I pursue being healthy in the way He has made me, while still acknowledging that my life and breath is found in Him? How do I trust Him in seasons where alone time is limited, yet the needs of my family and the commands to love God and love neighbor are still valid? That is the season I am currently in. And that is a question I am hoping He will answer quickly.